Classified Single

“Where are all the decent men?”
Is a cry I hear again and again
From females from all walks of life
Who do not yearn to be someone’s wife

But desire a mate who’s handsome and kind
Who’s left all his emotional baggage behind
Who’s sensitive and generous and romantic and fun
Whose intelligence and maturity are second to none

And who always puts the toilet seat down
And never borrows your razor or dressing gown
And while one wouldn’t want to be accused of greed
A little bit of wealth would be welcome indeed

But ladies rejoice! I have found this creature
Of perfection while reading a newspaper feature
The classified singles, to be precise

Where every man is unfailingly nice
With all the qualities mentioned above
Ready willing and able to fall in love

And I could get myself one just like that – bingo!
If only I could understand the lingo

What’s a man who’s n/s or n/d, I enquire
Does it mean no/sex, or worse, no/desire?
No/sagging , no/drooping might be his claim
No/sadism, no/deviancy to sully his name

And SOH – Scared Of Heights, would it be
So that rules out the mile high club for me
Sex On Horseback, Short Of Hair, a Sort Of Homely chap
Or all three, an ugly bald jockey perhaps

Or VTPR – what I’ve guessed so far
Is Voyeuristic Titillation is Preferred Recreation
Or View To Performing in Railway Stations
Either way, it’s Versatile Talent for Public Relations

DTE, I think, must mean Drinks To Excess
Though why you’d admit it is anyone’s guess
Duos, Trios Encouraged – wow, what a stud

Or Dirty Talk Enjoyed, so your name will be mud
Perhaps Dying To Experiment, with an adventurous bent
But if he’s over sixty, it might be in the literal sense

But when Mr Perfect arrives, this much I can tell
He’ll be Old, Rich and Single, and Not Very Well
So until that time I think I’ll stay on the shelf
And be HABM – Home All By Myself.

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Poetry not your thing? Prefer a bit of reality? Then take a look at this article called Oh Brother.

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